A little over 2 years ago, I was finishing up my surgery rotation in third year of medical school... mulling over the crazy fact that I would even consider going into the field of surgery. Just last month, I helped dissect a gallbladder off its liver bed for the first time. It's crazy what a different place I am in now than only a short 2 years ago. And just like that, it has been almost 5 months in to my intern year. It's a good perspective in times where I feel like I am struggling under the weight of "not good enough," time after time.
The process between the spark (easy) and committing to surgery (hard) was tough. I kept going back and forth about the good and bad, comparing it to every other rotation I had, and nothing else matched up. I was excited, but terrified. I wanted to like something else more, but I didn't. I had to make a conscious decision, even though I did love it, to commit. And even when I was successful and said to have "made it" - getting into surgical residency - it's still a daily decision, because it's hard. Harder than anything I have ever done. And you don't really feel like you've made it, because it's ingrained in you wanting to be better, all of the time.
I love learning about the technical aspects of operating and how every movement and decision counts. Most attendings make it look so simple, when really there are so many thoughts going into his or her technique: tension, location in space, 5 steps ahead, the flow of movements in the operating room - not one wasted movement in a silent symphony. Much like how the beauty of architecture is found in the details, how it is the mathematical decision making that ultimately creates the end results.
Here is the foundation that we build on to create a masterpiece. This and all of the medicine within physiology and all of the possible complications - this is the training that takes 5 years.
Learning not to "trade the 'being here' for the lie that 'getting there' is worth chasing." You just have to do what you can, while you can, and for as long as you can. That's all you can do, and no one can fault you for that.